Thursday, March 20, 2014


After waiting like an over-stimulated teenager for the magic day to dawn when I could upgrade to iPhone 5S, the long-awaited time arrived. With the grace of the gods, the Verizon store was empty when I waltzed in and an eager beaver genius was all mine for the next two hours.

He introduced me to a novel new iPhone case; one that is so waterproofed that the manufacturers challenge you to submerge the phone in water for 30 minutes to test the product. Pointing out the benefits of such a device, such as filming underwater or the drop-proof Sherman tank encasing, he convinced me to buy it.

Since I had previously killed one "dumb" cell phone when it fell into a movie theater toilet, lost an iPhone 4 hiking on a trail, and bounced my iPhone4S across cement and tile at least fifteen times (she was a tough cookie though), it seemed a good idea for my slim new golden girl.

After wrestling with the hatches on the phone that kept it watertight while said genius was fiddling with computer issues, I gave up and decided to get a beautiful transparent cover as lightweight as a summer frock.

I say to my self, "It will never fall into water and I will be very careful so it doesn't drop. Go for beauty, not safety."

And herein lies the oxymoron to end all oxymorons. NEVER SAY NEVER.

About 30 minutes after leaving Verizon with my new best girlfriend, I walked into a public bathroom for the obvious reasons. As the subsequent hand washing event commenced - water pouring out of the spicket - suds bubbling up on my fingers - I dropped golden girl straight into the hard ceramic sink raining water from its faucet.

With the speed of a tiger pursing its game, it was snatched out of harm's way, dried off, and rescued from sudden death. My hubris smacked out of me by the gods of karma and significantly chastened, I thought, "Never say never." Then it dawned on me that it was one those oxymoronic platitudes that has the quality of a homeopathic dose.

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