My husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer last week. What we thought was a back problem turned out to be a large tumor that had metastasized from his lung into his hip. It seems that the hungry little cancer cells also took a liking to his gray matter and the adrenal glands.
When I started this blog in August of 2013, it was a way of re-entering the world of human activity after my own serious bout with cancer. As inhumane as an internet blog might seem, it actually reaches computer screens worldwide, where real live humans read and react. Although the prisoner was still locked up in the tower, she was sending messanger pidgeons out to the world, and they were returning with messages.
The idea was that after a year's worth of daily blogs, I could look back and see my progress. Never would I have guessed that the topic of the writings would swing from my return to the land of the living to a literary landscape depicting the descent into a human hell, where the battle for survival is in full tilt boogey.
And yet, I am in "the neutral zone" where one dares not hope nor dares to give up. People survive the most horrendous cancers, but more succumb to the Grim Reaper. Who am I to presume the karma of my lovely man?
And so I wait and watch as he hangs in the balance. Will it be life? Or will it be death? In this balance point lies a peaceful neutrality, where neither side has yet declared victory. And I am grateful that I have at least this small patch of land upon which to stand.
When I started this blog in August of 2013, it was a way of re-entering the world of human activity after my own serious bout with cancer. As inhumane as an internet blog might seem, it actually reaches computer screens worldwide, where real live humans read and react. Although the prisoner was still locked up in the tower, she was sending messanger pidgeons out to the world, and they were returning with messages.
The idea was that after a year's worth of daily blogs, I could look back and see my progress. Never would I have guessed that the topic of the writings would swing from my return to the land of the living to a literary landscape depicting the descent into a human hell, where the battle for survival is in full tilt boogey.
And yet, I am in "the neutral zone" where one dares not hope nor dares to give up. People survive the most horrendous cancers, but more succumb to the Grim Reaper. Who am I to presume the karma of my lovely man?
And so I wait and watch as he hangs in the balance. Will it be life? Or will it be death? In this balance point lies a peaceful neutrality, where neither side has yet declared victory. And I am grateful that I have at least this small patch of land upon which to stand.
From Michael, husband of Carole
ReplyDeleteHuman hell is total solitude and this is not the hell I am experiencing. I have the privilege of having my love next to me.
Thank you sweet Michael. I just found this today, 50 days after your death. Words cannot express. Only tears.
DeleteCarole, what to say... courage, courage and more courage. I didn't know this but I have sensed it for sometime. I was happy to see Michael so recently - his presentation of the book was magnificent. As are both of you.
ReplyDeleteCarole, this is so beautifully written, straight from your heart and into the hearts of everyone who reads it. As I continue to think of you and Michael, Lara and Kripa, I hope and pray that life will be victorious. I only wish that I (the third sister) could be there to help and support you right now.
ReplyDeleteAll my love, Beth
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