In the sixth month of the Gregorian calendar, day twenty-six, a once in a lifetime event occurred - the death of my husband Michael. Although he was lover, friend, creative partner and dishwasher par excellence, nonetheless a vicious army of cancer cells swept over the terrain of his inner landscape. Breaking through cell walls, vanquishing bone, crushing together delicate brain tissues, this bodily terrorist silently and methodically snuffed out his life.
Three weeks postmortem, I make a visit to a chiropractor. The indistinct sciatica in my left thigh has entered front and center stage during the five week period between my husband's diagnosis of lung cancer and his death. No time for that dull limb pain to take precendent when the king is dying; no time for anything but the joy of seeing his smile when I come into the room to say good morning with fresh orange juice or a cup of tea. Some mornings I can't wait to see him and rush into the room to kiss his still tanned face, ruddy despite forced abstinence from the sun-drenched hiking trails of his beloved Santa Monica Mountains.
As a new patient at the chiropractor, there are the obligatory pages of forms to fill out, with words never to be read and simply filed away in a paper graveyard. And then, a box to check - a selection from which I can mark ___Single ___Married, or_____Divorced. There is no box to check for Widow or Widower. With the reality of this category of people ignored, I simply check ___Single, a seemingly inaccurate choice.
I am not single, I think. I am married to Michael. He simply has yet to appear, suitcase in hand and tired from a long trip, eager to get home to his castle and kin.
But I know this foolishness.
In truth, every day is a new day that awaits me and I have no idea how I will feel or heal. Someone has thrown away the score and I have to play it by heart.
Three weeks postmortem, I make a visit to a chiropractor. The indistinct sciatica in my left thigh has entered front and center stage during the five week period between my husband's diagnosis of lung cancer and his death. No time for that dull limb pain to take precendent when the king is dying; no time for anything but the joy of seeing his smile when I come into the room to say good morning with fresh orange juice or a cup of tea. Some mornings I can't wait to see him and rush into the room to kiss his still tanned face, ruddy despite forced abstinence from the sun-drenched hiking trails of his beloved Santa Monica Mountains.
As a new patient at the chiropractor, there are the obligatory pages of forms to fill out, with words never to be read and simply filed away in a paper graveyard. And then, a box to check - a selection from which I can mark ___Single ___Married, or_____Divorced. There is no box to check for Widow or Widower. With the reality of this category of people ignored, I simply check ___Single, a seemingly inaccurate choice.
I am not single, I think. I am married to Michael. He simply has yet to appear, suitcase in hand and tired from a long trip, eager to get home to his castle and kin.
But I know this foolishness.
In truth, every day is a new day that awaits me and I have no idea how I will feel or heal. Someone has thrown away the score and I have to play it by heart.
Beautiful, Carole.
ReplyDeletePierre
Take each day as it comes. The way you feel, how you heal, what you think and how you will react will be a new ground you have yet to go through in this life. As you have said, it is a rebirth. I pray for you my dear friend. I know you are strong, spiritual, loving, caring and so bright in all aspects of the word. Your are loved by many friends and family they will all be standing with you to help, protect and guide you into this new territory.
ReplyDeleteMichael was a blessing in so many levels in your life, a special life you shared and treasured for so many years. Take these cherished gifts, memories and knowledge he bestowed on you and create a new you. Michael is embedded in your heart so you are right in leading with that special part of your being.
Om shanti Carole,
DeleteI have been thinking of you for several days. I may have shared this with you before, but it bears repeating: Sri Sathya Sai Baba said, "Cancer cancels karma." A cosmic way of cleaning a karmic slate.